Kale Chips

So I have this theory: no one actually likes kale chips. And I mean, compared to their delicious potato counterpart, it’s really no competition- but not everyone can eat a bag of Lays, and more to the point, not everyone wants to eat a bag of Lays. Cue the entrance of our green chewy savior. Salty, spiced to flavor, and I get my iron. Win, win, win, win, win. Win.

Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 8-10 minutes
Yield: As Much As Your Green Little Heart Desires


  • 1 bunch of kale
  • 1/2 tbs of avocado/olive oil
  • Optional, choose one or two: salt, nutritional yeast flakes, chipotle seasoning, pepper


  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Strip kale stems and cut into potato-sized chunks. Place in a bowl.
  3. Drizzle oil onto kale, mix thoroughly.
  4. Season kale.
  5. Place kale on pan, spread evenly, with little or no overlap.
  6. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until edges turn slightly brown.
  7. Kale should be crisp and dry.

Whipping up a bowl of kale chips takes hardly any time at all, and depending on how you cut the kale/ how you season the kale, I find this to be a perfect substitute for popcorn. Salty, crunchy, with lots of room for creativity.
Eat up.

Banana Bread

I eat a lot of bananas. Unfortunately, I can’t always get to them before they brown, and this has resulted in a rather large pile of suggestively shaped bricks sitting in my freezer. After trial and error with many, many different batters, I finally hit the jackpot.

And the jackpot happens to be gluten free. Hell yeah, baby.

I make the almond meal myself (refer to almond meal/milk) and I find the coconut flour helps to keep the bread from being too damp, if that makes sense. Fair warning, my recipe makes an entire loaf and a dozen muffins.


  • 4 ripe bananas
  • 3 cups of almond meal
  • 1/2 cup of coconut flour
  • 2 tsp of baking soda
  • 2 tsp of cinnamon
  • 2 tsp of vanilla
  • 4 eggs
  • 1/2 cup of coconut oil
  • 1 1/2 tbs of peanut butter
  • 1 tbs of maple syrup
  • Optional: Crushed walnuts, crushed pecans, brown sugar crumble.


  1. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. Mix all dry ingredients.
  3. Mix all wet ingredients.
  4. Combine, mix evenly, and distribute between loaf pan and muffin tin.
  5. Sprinkle top of loaf and muffins with brown sugar and nuts.
  6. Bake the muffins for 27 minutes, and the loaf for 58 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Well, I never said this recipe was easy on the sugar, but I have absolutely no regrets there.


Almond Flour Biscuits

Now before you start thinking to yourself “who the hell still eats biscuits in this day and age”, let me explain myself. If you’re celiac, gluten-free by choice, or you just want to feel good- plain and simple- there is no more diverse food item than the biscuit. You’ll find this gem under an over-easy egg, topped with nutritional yeast flakes, and gone in about 2 minutes flat. They store well and age better than your finest red, that is, softening rather than turning to stone. They’re filling (because rabbit food can only get you so far) and they kept me fed and happy for a night on top of a mountain, slathered in peanut butter and warmed by the fire.

Almond-Flour Biscuits

Prep time: 5 minutes
Cook time: 20 minutes
Yield: 8-10


  • 2 1/2 cups of almond flour
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 3/4 sea salt (in the past I’ve had to use the salt that comes in tiny little pebbles, still breathing)
  • 1/4 cup of coconut oil (melted, usually supposed to wait for it to cool but I never do)
  • 1 tablespoon of honey (I am currently using maple syrup- I prefer the tang to honey)
  • 2 large eggs
  • Optional: additional eggs (yes that means you’ll need more flour, look at you go)
  • Optional: oat/seed/raisin crumble topping


  1. Moment of truth, most of the time I just put all the dry ingredients in and splash the wet stuff in after.
  2. If I’m adding extra eggs, I’ll begin by slowly adding tablespoons of additional almond flour until the dough reaches the right consistency- which in case you’re wondering, resembles chocolate chip cookie dough, except its just considerably more disappointing without the sugar and chocolate.
  3. Use parchment paper (compostable) or avocado oil to grease the pan, and I forgot to mention, but you should’ve had the oven preheating to 350f (175c).
  4. Begin placing large tablespoons of dough separated evenly on the pan. Just let them do their thing, it’ll be fine.
  5. You can now sprinkle the oat/seed/raisin topping mentioned above, and don’t worry if you make a mess on the pan- you’ll just toast whatever doesn’t bake onto the biscuits, which makes for a yummy side bowl with almond milk.
  6. Bake for 15-20minutes or until golden brown. Be warned, almond flour burns very easily and suddenly.

Eat with eggs, peanut butter, jam, and pride.

Lazy Sunday Breakfast

I wake up every morning stupidly excited to have this gluten free breakfast spread to kick start my day.

– Half an avocado
– Some sort of sweet fruit to balance the flavors
– 1 almond flour biscuit
– 1 egg
– 1/2 teaspoon of nutritional yeast flakes
– Salt and Pepper to taste
– Optional: additional vegetables/fruits


  1. Set small pan on stove, at medium heat. Grease pan with olive or avocado oil.
  2. Cook the egg, obviously to personal preference (though soft sunny side up is hands down the best way to eat this).
  3. Place biscuit in the bottom of the dish, garnished with nutritional yeast flakes, salt and pepper, and any other vegetables. Red peppers go really well with the egg and yeast flakes.
  4. Put all the remaining stuff on your plate, and eat warm. Now go save the world.

Vegan Oh Henry Bars

Just in time for Halloween! Fudge, peanuts, caramel and chocolate- the whole shebang boys and girls. So consider this little adventure a remix of Oh Henry’s. While there are tons of recipes online for “homemade OH Henry Bars”, none of them use the fudge middle (which I mean, just doesn’t make sense, the fudge is such a key selling point).

Forewarning: If this isn’t a remix in every sense, I don’t know what is. Upon beginning this adventure, I quickly realized I had overestimated my very limited skill set. I’m not going to lie to you, this was a bit of a gong show. When the process showed no signs of improving, I began to record the various steps I took to save the project. Consider this a journey, and a Dirt Mouth take on recipes and kitchen disasters.

I added so much vanilla to the fudge it started to smell like tequila. Not only did I try to ignore the necessary “candy thermometer” for the fudge, I googled an alternative and wasted several spoonfuls of fudge syrup dropping it into a cup of cold water. Apparently “soft ball” temperature is supposed to harden upon contact with cold water?img_0611

Caramel is showing signs of struggle, and the almond oil from the almond butter has leaked all over the floor. Roommate is not pleased. Also, the jar had a little plastic lining on the outside that I did not notice, which will have to be added to my zero-waste jar. Caramel is proving to be a disappointment thus far.

I take back my resentment of the caramel, its doing everything its supposed to be doing. Very cooperative recipe.

Well, either I didn’t reach “soft ball” temperature, or the highly credible science of google lied to me. I let this pot “simmer” for 15 minutes- the recipe says this should take 35 minutes total. I haven’t even hit the 10-15 minutes of hand crank beater-ing. The fudge (still in the pot) is currently sitting in my fridge on top of a hot pad. I’m hoping it will solidify or at least resemble some part of the fudge recipe I used. I fear I’ve gone too far off the path.

Fudge showed no signs of solidifying after five minutes in the fridge. I’ve moved it to the freezer. The caramel was 100% successful (aka Dirt Mouth proof) and sits on the stove waiting to be applied. Its amazing. Have yet to start making the chocolate, mostly because I don’t have enough pots to start making it.img_0623

Unsure if I am impatient or fudge is ruined. No difference after 6 minutes in the freezer, starting to think I am impatient. I’ve put it back on the stove, I want to boil it further before placing it in the fridge overnight. This quick recipe has turned into an overnight ordeal. Caramel sits waiting in the fridge. Trying out the chocolate in t-minus 2 minutes, taking a texting break.

Googled “turning sugar to syrup”, followed by “turning syrup to fudge”. Read a brief section that said if the fudge is too soft, you didn’t cook it at a high enough temperature. Promptly cranked stove-top. Meant to do laundry tonight, getting grumpy. Showing signs of thickening.

Attempting experiment, placing small amount of fudge solution in a container in the freezer. Will attempt patience.

Remaining fudge solution on the stove has turned into a very thick syrup resembling caramel. Taking this as a cue to divide up the solution into further cupcake containers and freeze overnight.

The Next Day:

Fudge looks more like maple caramel, hooray for caramel. Not hooray for my fudge. Roving internet for new fudge recipe.

I’ve resorted to pintrest.

A lot has happened in the last hour. I deemed my fudge solution better suited for caramel, and after pulling my caramel out of the fridge, deemed it better suited for fudge… In the meantime, I had already prepped a new fudge recipe that involved a banana and peanut butter.

Despite this seeming completely out of control, I think I am through the worst of it. I have prepped the chocolate which took a whole of 5 minutes and was easy-peasy. Tapioca starch came in very handy for thickening it, though it is still very rich for my taste. All is well, the new fudge solution looks to be promising, and the old fudge solution makes a helluva caramel sauce. Placing all components in the fridge.

The Next Day:

Don’t ask me how, but this worked, this all worked. Thinking about buying a lottery ticket.

So I used this recipe for the first fudge solution which later became my caramel.  Don’t be like me. Get a candy thermometer.

Or, be like me and cook the solution until it looks like caramel. That’ll be because it actually is caramel. Don’t add a lot of vanilla, it never stops smelling like tequila.

I used this recipe for the first caramel solution which later was incorporated in my fudge. This was a great recipe for caramel, but after spending a night in the fridge, it looked and tasted like fudge and even after warming it up in the microwave, it never really regained its caramel-esque texture. If you’re looking for a quick (and healthy caramel), this one’s for you- use immediately.

I used this recipe for the second fudge recipe, thinking (correctly)that my first had been an absolute failure. I then added my first caramel mixture to this one for substance and convenience. My only problem with this recipe is that its not enough peanut  butter/maple and it was too much banana.

The chocolate recipe I found worked out perfectly.

You still with me here?

Caramel That Was Supposed to be Fudge:

  • 1 cup white sugar
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • 1 cup regular coconut milk, shaken and combined
  • ⅓ cup coconut oil
  • ¼ cup maple syrup
  • pinch of salt
  • vanilla to taste

Mix all of these ingredients together. Bring to a boil, and lower the temperature until it simmers. Cutting out all the back and forth fridge/freezer time (a result of my panic), basically just cook it and stir it occasionally until it reaches a desirable consistency. Science.

Healthy Caramel Used As Fudge (Could Also Be Used As Caramel):

  • ½ cup pure maple syrup
  • ½ cup creamy unsalted raw almond butter
  • ⅓ cup coconut oil
  • 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
  • ¼ teaspoon fine grain sea salt

Mix all these ingredients over medium heat until they’re smoothly blended. Be prepared for it to harden and turn sort of weird if you put it in the fridge.

Healthy Fudge That Actually Was Used As Fudge:

  • 1/2 cup peanut butter (Adam’s PB worked great)
  • 1 large banana
  • 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • pinch of salt
  • 2 tbsp coconut oil

I just mixed all of these things together, dumped it in a glass dish and froze it ASAP. I used two small bananas rather than one large, which is probably why I thought the fudge had too much banana… This fudge doesn’t hold up well at room temperature. In fact none of these recipes hold up well at room temperature.

Vegan Chocolate:

  • 1/2 Cup Virgin Coconut Oil
  • 3 Tbsp Natural Cocoa Powder
  • 1/8 Cup Pure Maple Syrup 

Combine all ingredients and stir until smooth. Taste test frequently. You’re going to start to notice that I really go for the recipes that involve zero instructions. My only issue with this heavenly (yet incredibly rich) recipe is that it didn’t microwave well the next day when I actually applied it to the Oh Henry’s. It did this weird bubbling marshmallow thing. I panicked and added more coconut oil. Seemed to fix the problem.


Oh Henry Bars:

  1. Take the fudge out of the freezer and cut it into bars.
  2. Shove peanuts into the fudge, you’ll notice it softens pretty fast.
  3. Heat the caramel in the microwave and drizzle it on top of the peanut-covered fudge bars.
  4. Let the caramel cool for a few minutes.
  5. Smear the chocolate on the bars, the chocolate is better prepared immediately before doing the bars- it’s smoother.
  6. Freeze the bars, and store them in the freezer.

Recommendation: Own/buy a damn candy thermometer.

Zero Waste Pumpkin Spice

I’ll spare you the “white-girl, starbucks” jokes and cut to the chase.

Pumpkin spice is good shit. Not only is it fundamental for pumpkin pie, but it just compliments about anything baking-wise you could come up with. Pancakes, banana bread, cookies, and muffins- trust me, this spice does it all.

But being zero-waste, I had a dilemma. I couldn’t find the stuff without any waste- I even tried to be more relaxed and look for a recyclable plastic container to no avail; they all came with trash worthy seals. So I roved the internet and I roved the local grocery store bulk bins to see what I could do. Save-On foods (a.k.a. the NIRVANA of bulk bins) had all the necessary spices and the internet being the handy tool it knows itself to be came through with several “recipes”. Here goes!

Prep Time: 20 minutes (if you’re like me and accidentally inhale the ground ginger, thus sneezing for approximately 17 minutes)
Cook Time: Literally 30 seconds (can’t believe you guys made me include this, super weird of you, you literally just stir or shake it)


  • 1/4 cup of ground cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons of ground ginger
  • 2 teaspoons of ground nutmeg
  • 1 teaspoons of ground cloves

Salted Caramel Pumpkin Seeds

Ok, so a few years ago, a roommate of mine left behind this Pampered Chef caramel sprinkle. The only reason I’m providing the link for this is because I’m pretty sure their caramel sprinkle is the best thing I have ever had on pumpkin seeds. Alas, all good things must come to an end, and despite this bottle still going strong, I know such a good thing can’t last forever. So this week, I tried making my favorite halloween snack with brown sugar, olive oil, and salt. Annnnnd maybe a few dashes of cinnamon. You can’t go wrong with cinnamon.

You’re going to hate me because I’m not going to be able to give you exact measurements because
A.) How the hell am I supposed to know how many pumpkin seeds your pumpkin is going to have and what if they’re bigger than the number I give you?
B.) I’m really, really, bad at keeping track of measurements.

Salted Caramel Pumpkin Seeds


  • Brown sugar
  • Cinnamon
  • Salt
  • Olive Oil


  1. Rinse and dry seeds. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. Start with a very small amount of olive oil, and continue adding until  all the seeds glisten slightly. I don’t enjoy an excess of oil, and I feel as though the extra oil might prevent the sugars from sticking when they melt.
  3. Now here’s the tricky part. I would recommend mixing the salt and the sugars before placing them on the seeds, that way you can get the balance right. I didn’t add enough salt to my first batch. Start with a tablespoon of brown sugar, 1/3 teaspoon of cinnamon and 1/3 a teaspoon of salt. Go from there.
  4. Mix thoroughly and remember- you don’t want to entirely coat the seeds, you just want to give them some flavor. If you wanted diabetes you should’ve looked at my Vegan Oh Henry Bar recipe.
  5. Spread seeds evenly across a cookie sheet- no need to grease the pain, the oil on the seeds should do it for you. Bake for 10-15 minutes or until golden brown.

Fun Fact: You can do this with spaghetti squash seeds too!

A note on the feature picture:
I made a huge- I mean HUGE- batch of pumpkin seeds because I collected unwanted seeds from a community pumpkin carving event. I used a very, very small amount of sugar because I’m not a huge fan of overly sweet seeds, though I know many people who wold prefer them to have more seasoning. I also forgot them in the oven and they burned a little. Yum, extra flavor.

Happy Haunting!
The Dirt Mouth